Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Barack Obama Prophecies (humor)

Legend has it that Migel Nostrildamous, a seer of the 1500s, could smell the future. He predicted the 2008 U.S. Presidential race between Barack Obama
and John McCain.

Nostrildamous claimed there were two parallel universes, one in which McCain would win and one in which Obama would win. Although he could not clearly see which universe was ours, he gave an amazingly detailed account of the outcome of the Obama presidency.

What Nostrildamous saw was startling. In 2015, after winning a second term, Obama will find himself in a large room being grilled by angry senators ready to impeach him.

This was Nostrildamous' vision:

Senator: President Obama, you were supposed to be the President of change. What happened?

Barack Obama: Well, I believe I did give you change ...

Senator (interrupts angrily): ... Mr. President, we're missing New York! It got nuked right out of our midst. That's not the kind of change we were looking for!

Obama: Senator, I've been saying for years, Canadians have been slipping through our northern borders ...

Senator: ... Canadians had nothing to do with this! Iran was the culprit!

Obama: Is there a basis for this allegation?

Senator: The plane was highjacked by Iranian nationals, the nuclear weapon was carried on board by Iranian diplomats, the bomb's components were manufactured in Iran, Ahmadinejad took responsibility for the attack, and, a day before the attack, the highjackers were invited to Columbia University for a robust debate on the ethics of dropping a nuclear bomb on a populated city if it has an impact on the environment and the caribou reindeer in Alaska.

Obama: You know ... that's an interesting point. You see, Ahmadinejad assured me his nuclear program was strictly for peaceful purposes.

Senator: And you believed him?

Obama: I had no reason not to. In our last meeting he articulated how much he loved the caribou reindeer.

Senator: Mr. President, we can't afford more catastrophes.

Obama: We could've avoided this one.

Senator: And how's that?

Obama: Well, when I asked Americans to inflate their tires ...

Senator (bangs down angrily with his gavel): ... What on earth does this have to do with inflating tires?!

Obama: If you'll let me finish, senator ... (pauses for a moment) I thought you were a Democrat.

Senator: There are no more Democrats and Republicans. There's only one party now -- the Damnangrycats (pronounced damn-angry-cats). What's your point, Mr. President?

Obama: Well, as I was saying, when I asked Americans to inflate their tires, they laughed at me. Ahmadinejad wasn't laughing. He had his people inflate their tires. With the windfall profits from saved money on gas, they were able to speed up their nuclear program by leaps and bounds. Had we inflated our tires first, we wouldn't be in this situation today.

Senator: With all due respect, Mr. President, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. How would inflating our tires first have saved us from this situation?

Obama: Well, while we were busy laughing, they were busy building. While we were busy stagnating, they were busy progressing. While we were looking back, they were looking forward. While we were accepting a bleak future, they were beaming with optimism. While we were ...

Senator: Okay okay, I get it.

Obama: It seems absurd to judge a presidency on only one act.

Senator: We're not. We're judging your presidency on several acts. Have you forgotten about your wide open border policy on the south?

Obama: Of course not. My strongest voter base is from Tijuana.

Senator: Don't you find that a little disturbing?

Obama: Disturbing? I'll tell you what's disturbing. When Americans drive around on flat tires ...

Senator: ... stop with the tires already ...

Obama: ... you're not letting me explain my position.

Senator: I'll wait till you flip-flop on that position another fourteen times, and then I'll listen to the final explanation.

Obama: When you attack my people ...

Senator: ... they're not your people. They're Mexicans.

Obama: I'm President to all people. All people have the right to dreams. All people have the right to equal comfort zones. All people ...

Senator: ... they overwhelmed Texas and California, seceded from the union, and renamed the two states The United States of Juanitos. Is it me or is there something wrong with that picture?

Obama: I'll say there's something wrong with that picure. The "Runners Republic" would've been a more appropriate name.

Senator: Mr. President, under your watch we've lost three states.

Obama: Three? (laughs) Senator, aren't you making a mountain out of a molehill?

Senator: Am I?

Obama: What's the big deal? We still have fifty four states.

Senator: We only had fifty to begin with.

Obama: When did we lose the other seven?

Senator: We never had fifty seven, Mr. President. Can you name all fifty seven?

Obama: You know ... that's an interesting point. This country was founded on unity, not numbers. Washington never counted states. Lincoln never counted states. I may not look like all those presidents on the dollar bills, but I'm not going to count states either.

Senator: Washington and Lincoln also never flipped-flopped an issues the way you do. Your energy policies have been disastrous.

Obama: I lifted all drilling restrictions.

Senator: After how many flip-flops?

Obama: Why didn't the oil companies drill between flip-flops?

Senator: Because your flips were shorter than your flops.

Obama: The coast of Florida has been open for drilling for a long time now.

Senator: By the time our oil companies were allowed to drill, the oil was gone. China pumped it all. They're selling gas all over China in ninety-nine cents stores. Chinese farmers are driving around in stretch limos.

Obama: I'm not denouncing China, and I'm not interested in people who want me to denounce China. It's not a China worthy of denouncing.

Obama: Thank you for that insight, Mr. President, but this isn't about China. It's about your waffling on all positions. You even flip-flopped on drilling in the "Arctic National Wildlife Refuge" in Alaska?

Obama: We had to stop. After drilling began, a caribou reindeer slipped on an oil slick and fractured an antler. The animal-rights people threatened to bring me before a tribunal for crimes against humanity.

Senator: But they're not human.

Obama: I know, but they've got a lot of clout in Washington.

Senator: I was talking about the reindeer.

Obama: Ah ... look, caribou have the same feelings we do.

Senator: And how would anyone know that?

Obama: The reindeer with the fractured antler recently developed social anxiety disorders. He no longer sucks ice with the rest of his family.

Senator: Your record of not standing up to environmentalists is absolutely unforgivable.

Obama: Gentlemen, you're forgetting, Congress now has three chambers: The Senate, The House or Representatives, and the Environmentalists. And the Environmentalists can overrule the other two chambers and the President.

As Nostrildamous' vision began to fade, he saw the environmentalists eventually lifting drilling restrictions on the east coast, but only if all equipment are driven by solar energy and all fish within a 20 mile radius of drilling sites are moved deeper into the ocean.

Consequently, oil companies will drill during the day and catch fish at night. On heavy overcast days, instead of using heavy drilling equipment, oil companies will send down skin divers with fork hoes.

By 2030 oil companies will realize that selling fish is more profitable than drilling for oil and halt all oil exploration.

By 2035 all cars will be replaced by horses, buses will be replaced by stagecoaches, and hay will become the hottest commodity on the stock market.

As companies compete to improve the quality of hay, it'll open up a new multibillion dollar "Hay Tech" industry. Most of these companies will be concentrated in an area in California called Fertilizer Alley.

One company will develop a breakthrough process that will improve many different types of plants. The process, called Multi-Fertilizing, will make a trillionaire out of it's CEO, Gill Bates, and make his company, ExtraSoft, the most profitable in Hay Tech history.

Nostrildamous tried looking into the future of the McCain presidency, but his "communications" broke down. So he called tech support. His remains are still on hold.


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